My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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