happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
