Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
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