It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
