i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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