She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
just tell him i said nine months
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
