Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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