Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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