I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
