all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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