I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
