frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
