I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
