the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
