I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
