Having a random hookup so left but love u
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
