Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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