We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
