just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
