Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
