I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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