i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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