Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
