Whats the glycemic index on semen?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
We have so much sex to catch up on
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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