i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
