tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you would pick up someone in the library
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
