I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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