i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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