when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
