She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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