how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
