what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
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I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
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my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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