I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Randomize