So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
