she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
