Where are you?
In a non slutty way
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
