Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
