Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
