Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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