She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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