If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
