I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
