Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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