i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
