Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
