Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
accomplished twins. life is a go
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
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