So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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