I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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