if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
3 2 1 whiskey
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
