I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
