I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
