ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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