Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
