To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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