Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Are my feet made of real feet?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize
