I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
