my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
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