I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
This is my gift to your gina
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
