he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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